DAWN CHORUS

RUDE LONDON PIGEON WITH A HANGOVER
SALUTES THE SPRING DAWN CHORUS

OH MY GOD, THERE HE GOES AGAIN

that bloody blackbird whistling for its hen

kicks right off at sparrow’s fart

loud as you like calling for that tart

of a bird  – doesn’t he know

that she’s off shagging with his mate Joe

Yeah, the one with the sheen and the satisfied glow

‘The timbre is melodious, the pace relaxed’

so says the Ar-Ess-Pee-Bee, well that is crap:

if you lived next door to that twittering bore

you’d find yourself screaming SHUT IT! NO MORE!

if you please, I’ll take my ease

preen my feathers and pick my fleas

with the volume turned right down to mute

where’d I put that bloody remote?

who’s that now – that bloody wren

CHRIST ALIVE! you know it when

that little prick starts to trill

can’t someone just saw off its bill

shrill as you like and twice as loud

with its tail in the air like it’s so proud

what it’s got to give it all that chat

can’t it see the neighbour’s cat

creeping up behind that tree

only quick jump and that’ll do me

then I can get some more shut-eye

and dream of crumbs and lullabies

OH MY GOD that bloody robin

bob, bob, and bloody bobbing

along like there’s no tomorrow

one for joy and two for sorrow

or however it bloody goes I don’t know

what idiot would write a song about a bird?

that Keats is the biggest drivel I ever heard

Who killed Cock Robin? IT WAS BLOODY ME!

knocked him right outta that bloody tree

with a sawn-off shotgun BAM! off it popped

Hands Up Gov, IT’S A FAIR COP

Anyway, haven’t you heard about climate change

pretty soon you’ll be out of your range

flap right off up to sunny Skegness

see if I could just care less

leave this park to me and my mates

cooing away behind the wrought-iron gates…


Mark Johnson